Talking With Dracula: Inexplicably Extended Edition!
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The following is a full transcript of an unusually long "Talking With Quinoa" episode broadcasted from Object 77 on October 31st, 2021.

“Hello, and welcome to episode 506 of ‘Talking With Quinoa!’ We’ve got a wonderful show for you today, and by we, I mean I do! Now, let’s see what the lineup is for toda-”

[A pause, followed by the ruffling of papers.]

“Oh, fuck, I didn’t do the special intro! Agh, what the hell, man? I had this one in the bag! Okay, okay, let’s try that again.”

[More ruffling papers and a cough. Quinoa proceeds to adopt a mediocre attempt at a stereotypical Dracula voice.]

“Hello, and velcome to episode 506 of ‘Talking Vith Dracula!’ I hope you are all prepared for a particularly spoooooky episode today! Ve are going to engage in some spooks this evening, yes yes!”

[A church organ strikes an ominous chord in the background, accompanied by what sounds like a swarm of bats shrieking through the air.]

“Ah… that’s better. You gotta get in character, yknow? That’s what life’s all about. You get into character when you’re on air! Now, what’s our schedule for today… Oh yeah! Our first event of this Extended Talking Vith Dracula episode… an interview vith my esteemed guest, Quinoa! Velcome to the show, my spooooky friend!”

[More church organs, plus a lightning strike. The broadcast plays static for about a second and returns to the sound of a lightbulb exploding.]

“Fuck, that von hit the studio! I should probably do that further away next time! Now, Vile ve vait for the power to come back, tell me about how this Halloveen has been treating you!”

“Well, Dracula, it’s going pretty great! I love this time of year, it’s so festive! I can finally reopen the Closet of Infinite Pumpkins and spice the place up a bit.”

“Yes, decorating! The most vonderful part of the season! The spoooookiest tradition!”

“I know, right? So much fun. I think there’s other things people do on Halloween, but I’m not sure what they are. I just put pumpkins everywhere and call it a day!”

“I believe there is a tradition known as the ‘trick or treat,’ in which you request either a trick or a treat from other spooooky people.”

“Oh, neat? Can we try that?”

“Of course! Now then, Mr. Quinoa, trick, or treat?”

“Trick!”

[A gunshot, followed by twenty seconds of silence.]

“…Nice! We should do this more often.”

[There’s a cartoon *pop* sound effect.]

“Okay, next on the agenda… It's time to make a costume! Costuming with Quinoa, woo! Give me a second to get changed—no peeking, now!”

[Quinoa seems to step away from the microphone. Faint sounds of a buzz saw and something that sounds like searing can be heard for around a minute.]

“All right, there we go! I put a pumpkin on my head!”

[Pause.]

“My head is not the right shape for this costume.”

[The sound of a puff of smoke.]

“Well, there goes that plan! Now, for the final event on our schedule… Fan mail! It’s been so long… I’m so excited! Here’s a very pretty envelope that actually has my name on it! It’s so delicate and carefully sealed, how nice!”

[There’s a sound of a paper shredder being used.]

“Man, I can barely read this handwriting! Dear Quinoa… What is your favorite book? Excellent question, mystery listener! I’d have to say that the leatherbound ones are probably the best, especially with a little salt.”

[Suddenly, there’s a loud, horrifying growling noise that seems to rattle the entire studio.]

“Man, all this talk of pumpkins and books has made me hungry! I’m gonna go get something to eat. Follow your spoooooky heart, everyone!”


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