Object 84 Supplementary Document
rating: +15+x

"Are you kidding me? You're telling me there's people genuinely willing to watch this consumerist indoctrination, so much so that we're having an entire document dedicated to them? They're just commercial transcripts… for products that don't even fucking exist! A sieve without holes? A candle that never burns out? Sunglasses that actually make the wearer blind? I don't even— You know what? Fine. Whatever. If that's what the community wants, give them what they need.”

~ Stretch

Because of popular demand, the M.E.G. has created this document so that ordinary wanderers could help further research on Object 84's brainwashing properties by transcribing various commercials seen on the TV channel. None of the products listed in these commercials exist; in addition, they generally have a tinge of irony attached to their properties (usually done to confuse the person watching). It is speculated that the contradictory information provided in these commercials is the primary reason why its brainwashing is so effective—the M.E.G. will use the advertisements in this document to study how ironic and oxymoronic statements contribute to the persuasiveness of this propaganda.

An example and a template will be shown below so wanderers will get a good feel for the correct way to transcribe a commercial. Though this template does not have to be strictly followed, the Overseers ask that you not make this document into a chaotic mess.

Author's Note: Please make sure the phone numbers you use in your commercials don't exist. Just put whatever you want here, as long as it makes sense. You don't have to run it by me first.


The Infinite Bag


Is your lame bag always full?

Ever dream to yourself, "Man, I wish it was bigger?"

Well, your search for a new bag is over.

Not only does The Infinite Bag store more items, it's smaller too!

"But how is this possible? Doesn't this violate the laws of phy—"

Glad you asked! We at Brag have solved this age-old issue of limited space…

By cutting a hole in the bottom of the bag!

No matter how many items you store in this bag, you'll never run out of space!

Fill it up with your heart's desires!

It takes in everything you throw at it, without ever retaliating.

Learn more about the product that could be added to your property collection!

Call 1-451-913-4444 today!

(Brag is not responsible for any items that may go missing after being put into this bag.)


Safety Cheese Grater


Imagine this scenario:

There you are, grating your cheese, when—

Ouch!

You've cut yourself again.

Never experience this common kitchen pain again with our patented Safety Cheese Grater!

No holes, no sharp edges, just a solid metal face and a handle for the safest possible cheese grating experience!

Call the number on the screen now, and you can have your very own Safety Cheese Grater!

Yes, that's right, call—

Call out to them while they still hear you.


Sorted Nuts


Are you tired of having to unsort your nuts from the bag?

Wish you can just buy pre-sorted nuts so you don't have to sort them the first time 'round?

We have the answer!

Introducing sorted nuts! Nuts from the mixed bag of nuts that are now sorted into individual nuts and not mixed in the bag of mixed nuts! [sic]

FACT! 117 percent of lung cancer patients (with a five percent margin of error) who smoke also eat mixed nuts! You sure you wanna keep eating that garbage?

Cashews! Pistachios! Chocolate raisins! Peanuts! Those tall brown ones with the white parts I don't know the name of! Walnuts! Non-radioactive Chestnuts! Hazelnuts! Brazil nuts! Pine nuts! Holy shit that's a LOT of nuts, and we have them all!

Except for the meat ones.

I'm not supposed to advertise those here.

FACT! Did you know that nuts don't contain lethal doses of rat poison? Why are you not eating nuts right now?

The favourite food of sorting algorithms everywhere!

Doctors hate them!

FACT! I really love border collies! What a good dog, I think they take their nuts sorted out of the mixed bag of mixed sorted nuts from the sorted bag!

Sold in individual packets!

And mixed ones!

Call 144-773-75-8999-6544-88-48-888-5444-7777 for more information!

I think, at least!

There's just too much numbers to choose from and I love them all! Except two! Fuck that stupid number!


The Organic Imperfections Remover Ultimate Edition v4.2.9™


Look in the mirror. Yes, do that right now.

Wait, you don't have one nearby? Well, the TV- television, or LiberTV, can be one right now! Let us set it up right for you so you can look at yourself for as long as needed!

[The screen then subsequently goes dark for 69 hours, 4 minutes and 20 seconds.]

Well, I'm sure that you've got it by now! See those dark, light, strange, or normal freckles? This patch of abnormally colored skin that's been with you for as long as you can remember? Your unregulated eyebrows? Perhaps some outdated tattoos?

Well, this is the answer!

Say welcome to our new product, the Organic Imperfections Remover Ultimate Edition version 4.2.9, paired with our finest laser technology clocking at 69 megawatts, 490 kilowatts, 253 watts, and 103 milliwatts! More than 138000000 times over the highest danger rating imposed in the Frontrooms, this pulse laser will blow every bit of your imperfections into nothing in picoseconds!1

If you still think it's not powerful enough, we also provide colored lens of red, green and blue that can turn the laser to that respective color!

Don't know what to do with them? Well, together they can remove:

  • Freckles
  • Stains
  • Tattoos
  • Bodily hair
  • Birthmarks
  • Eyebrows
  • Eye
  • Moist Skin
  • Oily Skin
  • Dry Skin
  • Skin
  • Frostbites
  • 1st Degree Burns
  • 2nd Degree Burns
  • 3rd Degree Burns
  • 4th Degree Burns
  • Embarrassing Pasts
  • Dry Lips
  • Scars
  • Bruises
  • Threats
  • Enemies
  • Homework
  • Jobs
  • Wet Hair
  • Oily Hair
  • Messy Hair
  • Hair
  • Platonic relationships
  • Romantic relationships
  • Explosive Diarrhea
  • The Moon
  • Life
  • [unintelligible]
  • [unintelligible]
  • Your Sadness
  • Your Fear
  • Your Interests
  • Your Possessions
  • Your Belongings
  • Your Faiths
  • Your Attachments
  • Your Friends
  • Your Family
  • You

What are you waiting for? Call uwu-uwu-uwwu today to obtain your very own Organic Imperfection Remover Ultimate Edition v4.2.9 and vaporize all of your [unintelligible] today!

(We are not responsible for any permanent eye damage, permanent skin damage, permanent vital organ damage, collateral destruction, intentional arson, accidental arson, annihilation of resources, mass power outages, loss of hope in humanity, and flame wars derived from using our Organic Imperfections Remover Ultimate Edition v4.2.9.)



The Super Regular Ballpoint Pen Maker 9001™


Are you absolutely confused with pens? Are waiting for your pen to be less "fashionable" or "cool"?
Well have I got a product for you! The Super Regular Ballpoint Pen Maker 9001™ will turn your unnecessarily vibrant pen into a standard blue ballpoint pen reminiscent of the nameless pens in the Frontrooms! By using our patented Laser Aser Ser Er R (LASER) technology, you can blast the too-bright pen into smithereens! The standard ballpoint pen should then pop out of the back* of The Super Regular Ballpoint Pen Maker 9001™.

Well, the number is here! Call 111-222-7758-967-42 now to buy The Super Regular Ballpoint Pen Maker 9001™
(*The Super Regular Ballpoint Pen Maker™ does not include the standard 5 inch blue ballpoint pens, consumer must insert their own. )


Emergency Cheese


Have you ever been in a desperate lack of cheese? Needing that dairy delight as soon as possible while not caring what's actually in the cheese?
Well look no further than Emergency Cheese!
Our cheese costs a penny to make and a nickel to sell, you can have your hypercube of cheese right now!
Using patented Cheese Projectiontm Technology, we can place cheese anywhere, gorgonzola, alfredo, mozzarella, cheddar, american cheese. The cheese projector knows no bounds.
You need cheese alright, just look at yourself, you lack all the vitamins in cheese, like lead, uranium, radium, cyanide, and arsenic. Get some cheese man!
Just call the number 843-4852-9481-3956 and say the magic cheese to get instant cheese
Projected cheese may cause cancer, death, radiation poisoning, heavy metal poisoning, brain failure, heart attacks, heart explosions, vaporization, *unintelligible* speech disorder, turning into a massive block of colby jack. Cheese contains no cheese.


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