Joke Entity 99
rating: +78+x

Entity 99, left. Note Operatives Jacob and Stuart on the right, visibly unamused by whatever bullshit he's on now.

Entity Number: 99

Habitat: At the bottom of the deepest well I can find if he says any more out of pocket shit


Entity 99 is a being, intangible presence, or probabilistic anomaly associated with Operative Bruce Ackerman, because there's no fucking way this guy doesn't see what an idiot he's being I mean come on we've talked about this dude

Despite numerous attempts to destroy, neutralize, reason with, talk to like a normal fucking person dude seriously we have this conversation like every week, or torment the Entity into submission, it consistently fails to read the fucking room and figure out when he's being a massive jackass. Consensus among M.E.G. researchers is that the Entity is definitely the result of some sort of evil brain virus that makes you forget how to interact with other human beings like a normal fucking person without mentioning his goddamn toe fungus or how his dog died when he was nine or whatever.


Entity 99's most distinguishing feature is his utter, debilitating inability to read the fucking room. Additional behaviors are hypothesized to be related to this quality, including a level of insensitivity that would get him laughed out of a god damn third grade classroom much less a group of fellow fucking functional adults just trying to have a goddamn conversation, a compulsion to conduct lengthy, one-sided conversations about whatever inane bullshit is on his mind irrelevant topics with disinterested parties, and a talent for killing the mood like it's a paying job seriously dude we were having fun why do you have to bring up that time your favorite Youtuber said a slur or whatever, like did you think that was supposed to be funny?

Research is continuing in an attempt to discern how someone can live with other humans on the planet for thirty-six consecutive god damn years and somehow never realize that everyone else thinks he's being a massive jackass.

Remember that time Lindsay's brother was missing and presumed dead and you loudly announced how much you miss your fucking anime gacha games? What the fuck is wrong with you, Bruce?


Entity 99 is, presumably, an ordinary human, though clearly with some sort of catastrophic brain disease with no symptoms other than making you act like an obnoxious buzzkill. Also, he never holds the door open for people. Have you ever noticed that? Like, that's just a basic societal politeness thing, right? There has to be something wrong with you if you don't have the basic fucking courtesy to do something as simple as strain your shitty little twig arms for ten seconds so someone can carry some fucking supply boxes through the fucking


That time he tried to explain the Beatles to Eleanor like not even two hours after he showed up. You know she was born in the fucking forties, right? Like, she lived through that? And you just stood there for an hour like "yeah, they started the British Invasion, they're kind of like the One Direction of their time" and other basic shit you could get off Wikipedia and she was like "yeah, uh huh, cool", like totally, obviously disinterested and you just. Kept. Talking. Like, she had to pretend she was getting a call. There wasn't even cell reception on that Level. Come the fuck on.

What the hell is wrong with you, man?

Do's and Don'ts:


  • Shut the fuck up, dude.
  • Maybe if we just start throwing shit at him he'll get the hint


  • Say another god damn word to me about your ex-girlfriend or I swear to god I will introduce your kneecaps to the back of your head using any means possible up to and including snapping your god damn neck I swear to fuck I will bend your troglodyte ass in half Bruce
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