Joke Entity 418 - Of Coffee And Criminals
rating: +36+x
CONCORD ENTITY CLASSIFICATION SYSTEM
ENTITY ID: 193
HABITAT(S): N/A
IETS:
1C5B+
CLASS:
Spectral
PROPERTIES:
HVM
VRL-A
VRL-B
NCR
MCH
CBR
SYN
DMN
SSV
CVL
RAD
NRO
TXC
PYR
RLA
UNQ
AGR
BNV
{$custom-name}
teapot.png

Description

What is a sin?

Sin is commonly defined as "an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law"—however, this definition leaves a lot up to interpretation. What is moral versus immoral? Whose law is being violated, and must they be divine?

Many may try to generalize under the definition of common sense. Killing people is wrong. Stealing things is wrong. Promoting hate against others is wrong. But these can be too general, and it is here where forces of law such as the Eyes often make mistakes. What if people were killed in self-defense? What if things were stolen from those with too much by those with not enough? What if hate is promoted against the haters? Many try to reach down into the depths of these problems, trying to truly find which are moral and which are not, but they quickly realize that each specific case is completely unique with drastically different solutions.

Some things, however, are undeniably great sins, and all from the worst that humankind can offer to Argos himself agree.

You have attempted to make coffee in a teapot.

Tea is an elegant thing. A calm beverage, meant to help relieve stress, especially so in this hazardous place you know of as the Backrooms. Even those that don't enjoy it still admire its wondrous simplicity—merely consisting of hand-picked leaves or a similar substitute, boiled to deliver such incredible blessings of mindfulness and peace upon those that partake in it. Even in this realm away from your home, there are ones that enjoy its flavor and clarity.

But coffee. Beans ripped from fruit, thrown together without care, their own self-defense mechanisms working against them. Worse, the beans themselves are barely used—discarded to the elements as soon as they have been exhausted in your eyes. The fluid itself is not any better, though thankfully its effects are mostly limited to disgusting beings such as yourself. Rather than a calm release of energy, the caffeine violently and suddenly shoots people awake into displeased consciousness. It clings to the mind, too, and people quickly form wrongful addictions and dependencies on the vile substance.

And you. You dared to use an artifact specifically designed for the sweet creation of tea for your violent, angry god piss, triggering a 418 error in reality itself.

For that, I have come.

Behaviors

…Behaviors?

I knew there would be complications of connecting this way.

So what do I do? What ordinary behaviors do I engage in? Is this a typical question your species asks beings of incomprehensible power and intellect? No wonder you degenerates managed to create such horrible concoctions as coffee.

But alas, this medium of communication seems to have reached an ultimatum on my part, as I am unable to continue without answering the stated question. So, what is it that I do?

I hunt down and purge beings such as yourself from every last level of this blighted realm.

Ones such as you, reader dearest, that dare to defile the delicate home brew of reality by intentionally sparking 418 errors have no right to exist, in this blasted plane or out of it.

I am not only the seer, I am the judge, jury, and executioner. Begone.

Biology

Oh, for—

If you seek physical terminology, you have come to the wrong place. I am incorperal, omnipresent, and indescribably powerful. I have no need for a physical form, as I may simply will myself into the presence of a despicable sinner as yourself.

In fact, I don't just hold the power, I am the power. Primordial, raw, nuclear chaos of—

Oh dude, the teapot's acting up again.

Yes, I know I've asked you this before, which cable do I unplug to get the bugger to shut up?

Right, thanks. Is that coffee done yet, by the way?

Do's and Don'ts

Do

  • Unplug the little bastard if it ever starts going on about being an omnipresent murderous ghost.
  • Enjoy any types of coffee or tea you see fit.

Don't

  • Bother listening to any of its rants.
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