Entity 87 - "Untitled Project"
rating: +11+x

I ran into him yesterday. He looked like he was doing well. Just fine on his own. He's content with where he is, and he likely will continue to be. I'm happy for him. He seems so happy. If I were confronted with death in this instant and were given but a single wish, my wish is that he'd never have to know the pain of remembering the feeling of another person's protruding spine in their back.

I used to believe that one had to love oneself before one could love others. It was harped into my ears ever since I was little. I don't believe in it anymore. He was my everything, and I knew his heart in ways I thought would never truly leave me. Yet, there he goes. I can't love myself as I am now; I am too chemically misshaped in the mind to truly do that. He is so human, and I love him, and that is the tragedy.

I think there is some bliss to be found in the ignorance of only knowing someone for what they want you to see. A culmination of a person's perceived best traits, even if not all positive, forms something idealistic. I am not one for deluding myself through others, I prefer to keep my delusion to myself, like a child convincing themselves that the world will always be okay. There is something more beautiful to be found in a human. A person who is flawed, a person willing to tell you all their flaws, show you themself like a martyr in death, yet still letting you live alongside them.

Everyone has two big fears in life. A public fear and a private one. A public fear is generic — something you can tell a stranger in icebreakers, like ghosts or skeletons in the closet. A private fear is a fear of the soul. I think I have many. I am so afraid of what is inside of me that I resolve by appearing fearless. No mythological entity could scare me, for what does a skeleton hold against my desire to destroy myself in front of others so they can be mad at me and have a reason. A culmination of ectoplasm presenting as a ghost could never match the ghosts of my past, with every person I've ever had the chance of impacting and every person they've impacted all coming together to see that I am no longer something to be absolved. I am but a sin.

I love him so much. I would do anything to make him happy. That's the scary part. I want him to come back into my life so badly that I stay awake as long as I can at night just so I can form the image of him in my head over and over again. I've begun to play instruments just so one day I can play a chord, and it'll be just like his scent. I wear a jacket all day, though I'm not cold. The warmth it seeps into me is like a hug — his hug. There's something so cathartic about it, his embrace just screams so quietly, it says everything it needs to so loudly I can't miss it but so softly it still feels like home.

One day, I'll die. One day he'll die. Sometimes I'll climb onto the roof of a building, and even though there aren't any clouds in the sky, I still pretend that there are. I imagine it. The moments I spend with him. Sitting together. An entirely empty area, with plenty of room to maneuver and find space, yet were next to each other. He says something offhand about the way the sky looks. I giggle. We look at each other. And for a moment there is nothing but silence and a gentle wave. It's not real, but it brings me comfort. The thing about delusion is that living in it can feel so good, and sometimes, if you pretend hard enough, you'll be able to convince yourself that that feeling is real. But it isn't. And that's something you have to make okay.

He left part of himself inside of me. He wasn't meant to be there forever. But the time he spent with me now was more than I could have ever asked for. I'm glad I knew him. I don't know what will happen in the morning, but tonight, this night, I'll look up at the sky, and with all the tears in my eyes clouding my vision, it'll be like there are stars in the sky. And I'll put my fist up and reach for them, for my love, my anger, and my desire are all seen through the eyes of a child. Then, streaking down my face, those stars will fall.


Entity #: 87

Habitat: The Hub

Description: Entity 87 is an anthropomorphic creature which showed up within the Hub for unknown reasons. It wears a ragged gray shirt and red shorts with white trimming. It has brown hair and a pale complexion. When approached, it will become nervous and will attempt to get away. If one is to continue following it, it will begin to erratically scream various phrases. Some of these include:

  • "Please don't let me hurt you"
  • "I don't want to be the source of your dreams"
  • "There is nothing to be found within me."
  • [Curled up in the fetal position] "I don't want to hurt anymore. When I'm around you… It hurts the both of us so much."

Properties: When in the presence of Entity 87, an overwhelming sense of grief will overcome any wanderer. Wanderers report feeling like they are grieving the people in their own lives. Strangely, no grievances for the dead are reported, only for the living.

Discovery: Entity 87 was discovered in the Hub on an unknown date. It has been around for about half a year. Estimated date of arrival is late November.

Interchange: Discussion about Entity 87's status within the hub both as an entity and whether it should be allowed to remain have been discussed. The following is a snippet between Morias K. and Chester P.

[BEGIN LOG]

Morias: "Are we really sure we're really okay with an entity being present in the Hub? It may be harmless but it is classified as an entity."

Chester: "Are we sure this thing is even an entity? It seems human."

Morias: "Chester, no human would be this distraught. This pain is inhumane."

[END LOG]

Axiom I: Discussion of changing Entity 87's status from entity to Person of Interest are being looked into. Because of listed properties, this change is uncertain.

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